An Evening with the Spinners

I'm world famous for my deep love of women of all shapes and sizes but, like most reasonable gentlemen, I have a fondness for spinners. There are few things to dislike about a woman who is actually smaller than my mighty, mighty wang. There's nothing quite like hearing "You're ripping me apart" from a woman who actually means it.

But that just leads to why the girls call me "Darth Vader", and this is neither the time nor the place for that.

Myself, I've only had but one spinner, and she wasn't really into the act of spinning or the phraseology involved. But all of you already knew that God hates me and exists only to ruin everything that's good in my life, right? I mean, to have a putz this beautiful and no one to spin on it like a fucking top is a travesty of almost biblical proportions. If you think that things like floods, plagues and drought are bad, you just don't know your tragedy, friend.

Canada, which I'm actually coming to believe might be a really cool place, had a Spinner Pageant that I wasn't aware of. I always thought that should be such a thing, but I never knew there was. Maybe life isn't out to fuck me after all.

Or is it?

Thea Theobald competed against dozens of young women for the title of Miss Petite Canada and won, but then gave it all up saying it wasn't for her.

The 5-foot-5 Fort St. John, B.C., resident beat 150 delegates to take the title of Miss Petite Northern British Columbia earlier this year and then went on to win the three-day competition in Toronto.

But the day after her victory, Theobald, 19, handed the crown over to the pageant's first runner-up, Ziba Salari.

Okay, I know that 5'5" isn't technically a spinner, but I'm lonely and desperate and I'll take what I can get.

But how can being Canada's top spinner not be for her? Is she defecting to Chad or something? Those animals wouldn't know what to do with her, other than hack her clit off and sew her shut. I, on the other hand, would never do that, if only because Thea Theobald is sort of cute.

"I still won but it's not for me," she said about the competition that ended Sunday. "It was just because after going through the whole pageant process it's something that if I wouldn't have been given an opportunity, I don't think I'd pursue."

But she sure endured a lot for someone who didn't want the title. The competition is open to women 5-foot-5 or shorter, age 18-29.

Theobald took part in the bathing suit competition, an evening-wear event, performed in the pageant's opening number and the solo talent show.

On the second night of the competition, she performed the merengue. On the third evening, the top 10 contestants were announced and had to do the swimsuit and evening-gown walk again, before the final five women were named.

The final five competitors each had to answer two questions in front of judges and the crowd.

The top three women were then chosen and had to answer this question: "If you had to choose between the title or the prizes that came with it, what would you choose and why?"

Theobald responded that you can do more with the title than the material objects.

The title obviously meant shit.

That Thea went through all of that and still decided that it wasn't for her tells me that the competition isn't quite tough enough. Next year there should be a "What's the biggest object you can take in your body" portion and the questions should include "Facials: Good and Good for You, or Just Good?"

"I learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about meeting people and gaining that confidence," she said of the experience, adding one of the greatest benefits was improving her public speaking skills.

But Theobald said had she kept the title, this year would have been hectic.

"I would have been travelling between Ontario and B.C. all year, and I would have been going to things like the Vancouver Film Festival, the Toronto Film Festival and I would have been promoting my organizations as well as doing things like the cancer walk and things like that and public speaking."

Oh, nobody told me that Thea would have to endure free movies and the promotion of cancer prevention. Those things, combined with the pressures of representing a pageant that no one has ever heard of before, must be a waking nightmare. So I'm generally sympathetic.

You'd be surprised how often I'm like that with women I'd really want to fuck. Honest you would.

That's because most people don't know that I'm a saint.

However, I do look forward to Thea's exciting new career as governor of Alaska!